AUG
2003
Sex and
Dating Tips Newsletter
–
Proven Sexual Techniques and Dating Advice
–
by John Francis
– View Newsletter Archives –
Special Feature
An Important Message To Our Readers
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feedback, it is always welcome.
Thank you!
– The Premier Personals Staff.
This
Month’s Dating Tip
Having A Great Relationship
This month, we’re going to discuss some key components of what it takes to have
a great relationship. This information is geared toward long-term
relationships. We’ll start things off by
dispelling a dating myth that does more harm than good. Namely …
Opposites Do Not
Attract
In the world of science, opposites
may attract. But in the world of dating, where human beings are involved,
this is almost never the case. Sure, you
may be initially attracted to someone who is a total opposite. But how
long does the attraction really last?
For instance, take two people who are extremely physically attracted to one
another. Let’s say that one likes to drink. Let’s say that the other grew up with an
alcoholic and hates anything to do with drinking. Despite the intense
physical attraction they have to one another, how long would you give these two before
they drive each other insane? Six months … maybe a year, at best?
People often stay together in situations like this and we end up with an all too
common situation: a relationship where no one is happy. We see these unhappy relationships all the time. And with
billions of people to choose from in this world, it’s hard to comprehend why
this is so common.
The good news is, it’s easy to avoid ending
up with someone who isn’t right for you. We’ll now look at two key
components that will help you find someone who is an excellent match, starting
with …
Mutual
Attraction
Too many times, a person dates someone that they are only sort of
attracted to. This can happen for
numerous reasons: they might be lonely, they might be bored, they might be on the
rebound, they might be following the advice of
friends.
Whatever the case, it is not unusual for people to innocently start a
relationship for all the wrong reasons, only to find — years later — that they
are still with this “wrong” person.
Most of us have experienced this once (or numerous times). We started
dating someone, quite innocently, who was okay enough to date. They
weren’t our ideal, at the same time they weren’t all that bad. Despite being only kind
of happy with the relationship, we got used to it and kept going along with it.
Situations like these, while extremely common, can easily be avoided.
For starters, make sure there is a genuine mutual attraction. Not
only should you be physically and mentally attracted to a person, they should feel
the same way about you.
If this attraction doesn’t exist, from day one, it is only a matter of time
before you or the other person meets someone else that you find more to your liking.
Then, one of two things will typically happen: there’s a breakup or someone gets cheated on.
Of course, even with there being intense mutual attraction, breakups and
cheating can still occur. But they are far more likely to happen,
almost guaranteed, if one of the two people isn’t genuinely attracted to the other.
Once you know the mutual attraction is there, the next key is to find a person
who is a great match for you. This is where we will discuss how opposites
do not attract and the type of person you should be looking for.
Values Versus
Hobbies
If you want to have a great
relationship — the type that few people ever seem to experience — the key is to find a
person who shares your values. Many people go about this all wrong and
seek out a person who has similar likes and hobbies.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the same things as someone else. But
that only goes so far. If you both love
movies and photography, that’s great. You have things that you can both
share and enjoy together. But in the grand scheme, how important is this
if you don’t share the same values?
For instance, if you are tolerant and open-minded and the other person is a
racist, does it really matter how many hobbies you both have in common? Of course
not. Yes, this is an extreme example where you know, right away,
that there are going to be problems. But I have seen many people, in
equally obvious situations, jump right into a relationship with someone who had
polar opposite values.
I have seen animal lovers date hunters. I have seen people who love to
stay at home with people who hate staying in. Fact is, we all know of relationships that looked
totally doomed from the start. In
fact, at some point most of us have been in one of these relationships, knowing from the start
that it probably wasn’t going to work.
Now I am not suggesting that people with differing values can’t make relationships
work. But in order
for this to happen, a major downside almost always has to occur. Namely, one person has to
relinquish their values to allow the other person’s values to exist.
Ultimately, we end up with one person who is happy and another who continually
gets more and more miserable.
Most of us have done this. Most of us have also tried to
compromise. But with contrary values, compromise rarely works.
Someone almost always has to “give in” to the other person’s ideals.
The question is, why do we do
it? Why do we jump into a relationship with someone when we know it is
doomed from the start? There are numerous possible reasons and I could spend all day describing
them. Rather than do that, I will state some of the reasons why I
got into lousy relationships.
For me, the main two reasons I got into
lousy relationships was lack of confidence and loneliness. Whenever I was
feeling crappy about myself, a significant other was always an easy way to make
me feel better. And sometimes I got into lousy relationships simply
because I felt lonely.
My relationships didn’t start becoming excellent until I first worked on
becoming confident and also on just being happy, whether someone
else was dating me or not. As my confidence and inner happiness grew, my
need to have someone around to make me feel better diminished.
I can’t speak for everyone, but my reasons for getting into crummy relationships
looks very similar to the reasons that other people get into poorly matched relationships. Most of the time,
loneliness or insecurity is the cause.
If either loneliness or insecurity has hampered your ability to meet a great
match, you may want to read
my article in the February Sex and Dating Tips newsletter. This
article, called “Asking Someone for a Date,” has some good tips that
can help you to easily improve your belief system and your confidence.
Whether you want to boost your confidence or not, you still need to find someone
who has the kind of values that matter to you. This is the only surefire
way to ensure long-term success in a relationship. So let’s take a look at
…
Finding The
Right Relationship Values
The key to finding the right values
in someone else is to first identify what values are most important to you.
We all have a pretty good idea of what we value most. But have you
ever sat down and thought about values in terms of what they mean to a
relationship?
For instance, your top value might be intelligence. But if you have been
repeatedly cheated on and lied to, your top relationship-based value might be
honesty. The key here is not to ask yourself what you value most … the
key is to ask yourself what you value most in a relationship and in a friend
(because in a relationship that’s what the other person should be — an
exceptional and close friend). So the the first step is ask yourself:
What do I value most in a
relationship and a friend?
Let’s say you came up with a list
like this one:
Okay, now we have an idea of what
we’re looking for. The next step is determining what really matters.
Some people are a little idealistic and they want everything on the
list. While this can happen, it can also take a damn long time.
What you choose to pursue in someone is up to you. Of course, the more
picky you are the harder you make it on yourself. I am not suggesting you
eliminate everything that’s important to you, I am suggesting that
you seek what is most important to you above all else. I’ll give you an
example of how my own relationship values shifted, and how this affected my
dating life.
I used to have an unbelievably long list of things I wanted in someone.
And the better I got at meeting women, the more insane this list got. I
wanted her to be smart, open-minded, between 5′ and 5′ 6″, honest,
outgoing, nice, sexually experienced, facially gorgeous, athletically built with
small boobs (a or b-cup only), quick-witted, didn’t do drugs, non-pretentious,
and on and on it went till there were 16 different items I wanted.
Of course, I never did meet this woman. Due to the amount of women I
dated, I got close very often. But what I was looking for was so
ridiculous that I made it nearly impossible to find such a person.
After years of dating and nearly 100 relationships that somehow didn’t work out,
two important things happened:
-
My values changed a great deal
-
I realized that not all values
are created equally
Of course, I made it nearly
impossible to find “the one” with the overboard wish list I had for
what I wanted in a woman. As such, I evaluated my relationship values and
decided they were too much. I realized that I’d have an incredibly hard
time ever finding exactly what I wanted. And even if I did, it might take
decades.
With all the dating I did, I also realized that my relationship values had
changed. They changed a lot. These changes largely came from my
dating experience. For instance, I had dated quite a few super model
looking women who were really mean people. This made a person’s physical
appearance a lot less important to me. I had also dated a lot of very
insecure women who were insanely jealous and in constant need of emotional
reinforcement. This made me shift my values so that I now wanted someone
who was a bit more emotionally secure.
Rating the
Importance of Relationship Values
My relationship values had shifted a
great deal, but I also realized that some values were a lot more important than
others. I’ll illustrate this by giving you a new version of my
relationship values:
-
someone secure
-
someone genuinely kind
-
someone I am attracted to
-
someone who communicates well
-
someone open-minded and tolerant
-
someone honest and direct
These were the things that became
most important to me in a relationship. However, I didn’t want to make the
same mistake by making it impossible to find these things in a person. So
I rated these things on jut how important they really were.
I looked back on my dating experiences and decided that the single thing I liked
least was mean-spirited people. That said, the most important relationship
value to me became kindness. I wanted someone with a genuinely good heart.
Next, I decided that I wanted someone I was attracted to. She didn’t have
to be an A or B-Cup, any particular height, or anything else. I simply had
to be genuinely attracted to her. But even this was less important to me
than kindness, because I knew that, no matter how “hot” she was, she
would get ugly fast if she treated me like crap or was a nasty human being.
Then, something interesting happened. The rest of my list kind of
vanished. I realized that if a person was genuinely kind and good-hearted
that they would be honest by nature. They would probably also be
tolerant. And to me, these things were more important than if a person is
secure and a good communicator, so I stopped worrying about those things.
Way I saw it, a person can learn to be confident and can learn to effectively
communicate. However, it’s hard to teach someone how to be kind — it’s
either their nature or it isn’t.
In the end, I decided that I wanted someone attractive with a good heart.
And this is exactly what I found in my wife. She is one of the nicest,
most caring people you will ever meet, and she is beautiful. And as long
as she remains the same way in her heart, I wouldn’t trade her for the world.
Here, my friend, is the whole thing:
-
Seek mutual attraction
-
Decide what values you want in a
person
-
Decide which of these values really
matters
I adore my wife in every way, and I
can tell you from experience that these are the precise reasons why. Fact
is, until you know what you really want and what is truly important to you,
chances are good that you’ll never find it. And remember, don’t make it
hard to succeed by having a lengthy list of values you want in a person.
Decide on the values that really, really matter and search for the person
who has them. This is the path to a great relationship.
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|
– Read more testimonials from
readers of my books –
Online Dating
Site of the Month
Match.com
We have compared hundreds of dating services and
Match.com
is the site we feel is the overall best dating service on the Internet.
Match.com
offers you detailed personal ads with excellent pictures, and industry leading
search
features. And this is only the beginning. Take a look at what they
offer:
-
Anonymously Phone People – Never again give out your phone number when you can call
using Match Voice. You have three options: “Leave Message”
lets you send a voicemail from your phone, “Talk Now” lets
you make an instant live phone call, and “Schedule Call” lets you
set up a live phone call. The ability to talk to members by phone –
without giving out your phone number – is an awesome resource.
-
Video Email and Video
Profiles – Easily create a video for your Match profile or
email. You also have the option to search video profiles. This
is one of the many cutting-edge features that
Match.com
offers.
-
Photo Instant Messaging –
Match Messenger is an easy way to instantly connect with other
Match.com
members who
are online with you. You and the member you’re messaging will see each
other’s Match.com username and photo (if a photo is available). You also
can roll your cursor over the profile statistics icon to see a member’s
age, gender, location, and what he or she wants in a match or click on the icon to view the entire profile.
An excellent way to easily connect with people.
-
Exceptional
Search Features – They offer all kinds of searches: quick searches,
detailed searches, searches by location, and by criteria. In addition,
they offer …
-
Two-Way
Matching – Unlike searching,
matching uses their exclusive two-way matching technology to locate all
members that match what you are looking for, and then narrows the list to
those members who are looking for people with a profile like yours.
This is a great feature if you don’t want to sift
through thousands of personals.
It gets even easier, because you don’t even need to be online to find great
matches …
-
Exclusive
Venus Search – Venus searches Match.com’s
massive database
to seek out your matches and delivers the newest profiles directly to your
inbox. You don’t even need to be online, the searches are done for
you. Simply browse the profiles she’s found for you and then connect with
great matches.
-
Anonymous
Email – Your privacy is respected
and your actual email address is always confidential. You’ll never see it or
your real name displayed at Match.com.
As if these features aren’t enough,
the 8 million members gives you
far greater chances for success
and more personals to browse than any other dating service. If you’re
looking for a great dating service, register at Match.com for free.
Match.com Dating Service
Features
|
Match.com |
|
Free
to Join
|
yes |
|
Post
Personal Ad Free
|
yes |
| Browse
Personals Free |
yes |
| Photo
Instant Messaging |
yes |
| Video
Personals |
yes |
| Anonymous
Phone Calls |
yes |
| Anonymous
Email |
yes |
|
Post Multiple
Pictures
|
yes |
|
Match.com Dating Service
Ratings
|
Match.com |
|
Site Speed
|
4 |
|
Ease of Use
|
5 |
|
Quality of Pictures
|
5 |
|
Quality of Personals
|
5 |
|
Member Size
|
5 |
|
Search Features
|
5 |
|
Total Score
|
29
of 30 |
|
Feedback
and Suggestions
This newsletter is here to serve and benefit you, the reader. So do not
hesitate to tell us how we can improve things. In addition, you are
encouraged to suggest article ideas and to let us know what you think of the
newsletter. Simply email us at the below address:
[email protected]
That’s it for this issue. Thanks for reading Sex and Dating Tips!
|
